Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters - Written Review

I am slowly coming to a conclusion about certain stories here.  You can argue that almost every story that could be told has been told in movie or TV form.  So what Hollywood has been doing is taking old stories and giving them a new twist.  Usually a more action packed twist.  They should just stop doing this.  And never do it again.  Because they can't seem to get it right.  I think I'm a fair guy when it comes to giving a new idea a chance.  I go into every movie with an open mind and the hope that what I'm seeing is gonna be good.  Unfortunately it falls about 40/60 good to bad.  Usually the idea, whatever it is doesn't work onscreen.  And so was the case with Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

Much better than Snow White.

H&G is actually a movie sequel to the classic fairytale story.  Years after they killed the witch when they were children, Hansel and Gretel have grown up to become professional witch hunters in an action/fantasy feature.  Really, it's not a bad concept.  Much better than that stupid Snow White and the Huntsman.  They didn't change the classic story, they just added onto it and made it into an action movie where H&G hunt witches.  And it could've been good, if they hadn't made some stupid mistakes.  First, their speech.  Now I'm not expecting ye olde speak, even though the time frame is 1400-1500.  But the usage of the f word, the way it was used, usage of slang terms, speech patterns, the vocab they were using, even the cadence and the way they spoke was so present day.  I didn't feel that these were fairy tale characters.  Instead I felt like these were two people I'd bump into on the subway.  It felt so weird and out of place.  And every character was like that.  They didn't feel like they were from or were in a Grimm's fairytale.

We haz guns.  Lots of guns.  Most of which aren't realistic.

So the characters felt out of place for this movie.  Second, the plot holes.  I know it's a fool's errand to be bringing up plot holes in an action/fantasy movie.  But even so, there was 1 big thing that didn't make sense.  Despite being professional witch hunters for the last 20-30 years, there were A LOT of things that they didn't know about witches or hunting witches.  Stupid obvious stuff that you'd think they would've just picked up and learned during the course of 2+ decades killing witches.  We, the audience, were learning things about witch hunting as the "professionals" were learning them.  Also, they were just sloppy for witch hunters.  Again, you'd think it would be hard for a witch to get the drop on them after they've been hunting them for more than a quarter century.  But that's as far as I go with the plot holes.  Everything else I rolled with.  The weapons, the physics, everything else was fine with me, primarily because of the type of movie I was watching - action/fantasy.

There is never anything good inside an anus, no matter what color it is.

In conclusion, there's a reason why this movie came out in January.  January-March is the time of year they put out movies that they're not expecting to do that well.  And H&G isn't so great.  While it's not a terrible movie, it leaves you feeling disappointed because you felt that this movie could've been good.  It could've been.  But they dropped the ball on this one.  They were trying to make the main characters way too cool.  Instead they came off as being jerkish and full of themselves often times.  You didn't really like them because of that.  Which is a huge screw up.  You never want the audience to dislike your main heroes, especially when they're the good guys.  Did I dislike it?  A little.  Did I feel like I wasted my time?  No, I was still entertained.  I just wish they'd done a number of things differently.  I am more disappointed because of wasted potential than anything else.  I was expecting something like Van Hellsing mixed with the TV show Supernatural, which if they had done that this movie would've been so much better.

Film Crazy Adam neither approves nor disapproves of this movie.  He also neither recommends nor discourages the watching of this movie.  Film Crazy Adam isn't angry.  Film Crazy Adam is disappointed.

The Last Stand (2013) - Written Review

Action heroes.  A breed of actors who can act and do all the crazy stunts in action movies.  A breed that was made famous by the crazy and often times cheesy action movies of the 80's.  A genre of actors that has been exclusively male.  Many actors came to fame through this genre.  Arguably the one of, if not the, biggest is Arnold Schwarzenegger.  It was wondered if he was going to make a return to acting after his stint as governor of California, but he did.  He had a cameo in The Expendables and The Expendables 2.  But he's back at it again, staring in the action movie, The Last Stand.

Not to be confused with the X-men movie of the same name.

First off, let me just say that if you've seen the trailer for this and you know who's staring in it and you're expecting something serious and realistic...then you're an idiot.  This movie is silly.  This movie is ridiculous.  This movie is cheese.  This movie is exactly what it set out to be and what it advertised itself to be.  This movie had it all when it comes to a cheesy action movie.  It had guns, it had action, it had guns, it had one-liners, it had guns, it had explosions, it had stunts, it had car carnage, it had guns.  And I'm not exaggerating on the guns thing.

See?  Guns.

It had a basic plot with a few holes in it.  As far as the story went, this was one of the most straight forward stories I've seen in years.  There were no surprises.  Not that I'd expect that in a movie like this.  Everything was predictable, which is what you want in an action movie like this.  So that was good.  I will say though that this movie had some pretty lame dialogue.  I mean, no imagination or cleverness was put into any of the lines.  It was, like I said, very straight forward.  No thinking was required during the watching of this film...what so freaking ever.  And it was good because of that.

And more guns.

In conclusion, this was a good action movie.  It was a good getaway from the lame-ass retail job I have.  It was good to just veg out watching.  I enjoyed it and had a good time watching it.  I wish I could've seen with my friends back East, it would've been much more enjoyable.  If you're from the 80's like me.  And you enjoy 80's action movies for the cheese that they are (most of them anyway), you'll like this movie.  Remember: no thinking is required during this film.  More then The Expendable movies though.

Film Crazy Adam recommends to those looking to enjoy a cheesy action movie with guns, explosions, and Arnold.  Everyone else go watch something more sophisticated.

Gangster Squad - Written Review

"I'll make him and offer he can't refuse."  "Say hello to my little friend."  These are iconic one-liners from iconic gangster movies.  Not to be confused with gangsta (which is stupid and idiotic).  The Godfather is one of the most memorable movies and considered the quintessential gangster movie.  What do you get when you have a bunch of great actors, more one-liners than an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, about as many gun fights as a John Woo movie, and a bunch of explosions?  You get Gangster Squad.

Again, not to be confused with gangsta.  Which is stupid.

 I'll be honest: I'm not quite sure what they were going for with this movie.  It's "based" off true events.  Yes, there was an LA based mobster named Mickey Cohen.  Yes, there was a unit put together to protect LA from Cohen.  And those are the only facts the movie got straight.  But that doesn't matter.  This isn't a documentary, this is a movie.  What about the story?  Well,...it wasn't all that good.  Not to say it was horrible, it just wasn't that good.  The characters are all 1-dimensional, the story is completely predictable at every turn, there is no dramatic tension, in many cases the story felt rushed.  There were tons of times during the film where I felt they could've spent more time elaborating more or explaining more of what they were doing.  It felt very dumbed-down.

Say "what" again!  I dare you!  I double-dare you, mother-f**ker!

 The cast, while the actors and actress themselves are top-notch, aren't really that good in this movie.  They're all completely one-dimensional.  You have the 100% evil mobster, the single-minded never takes no for an answer squad leader, the face man who thinks more about the ladies than the job, the grizzled sharpshooter, the nerdy tech guy, the dame, etc.  The characters never break from their stereo-types.  There also no dramatic tension in the story.  There's never a sense that things will go wrong.  And if they do, so what.  Seriously.  Everyone has a "so what" attitude all through this movie.  Everyone is so wooden.  I blame that on the directing.  It's like the director told the actors don't show emotion through all the scenes.  Be a robot.

I can haz hug?                                            No.                

In conclusion, what was Gangster Squad?  I think it was an attempt at turning a Dirty Harry movie into a mobster movie.  Did it do it?  ...maybe...?  There was definitely a lot of shooting.  Very little of this movie even focused on the gangster in question.  The character of Mickey Cohen wasn't a character so much as he was a plot device.  There were many moments in this movie that I would've cut or rewritten because they didn't matter and had no place in the movie.  Or it wouldn't have affected the movie.  For those of you that have seen the version of the trailer where there's a scene where mobsters shoot up a movie theater?  They cut that, because of the Colorado theater shooting.  I couldn't figure out where in the whole movie it could have gone.  It was that irrelevant that it didn't matter they cut it.  That was most of the movie.  Was it a gangster movie?  Sort of?  Was it a good movie?  Not really.  Was it a good gangster movie?  No.  Was it worth my time?  Not really.

Film Crazy Adam doesn't really recommend this movie.  Not because it was a bad movie.  Because it just wasn't that good.

Happy New Year!! F 2012, F yeah 2013!!

I truly hope that there are those of you out there that have had a much better 2012 than I did.  For me 2012 was the worst year on record.  Hurricane Sandy hit my home state, my grandmother whom I was very close with died, Ridley Scott's Prometheus came out.  There's much more, believe me.  Plus I didn't finish nearly as many reviews as I wanted (4 in 1 year is pretty pathetic).  Suffice to say I'm looking forward to the new year with hope and a positive outlook.  Plus more reviews to come.  The first being my list of the best and worst movies of 2012, as presented by Film Crazy Adam.  Along with my much talked about BIG review.  More eps of "I Heard That Movie Sucks" to come too.  Happy New Year to you and yours!!