The Expendables 2 - Written Review

I have just seen one of the funniest movies of the year.  This movie is contending for the one of the top 3 spots for best comedy of 2012.  This movie had an all-star cast of A list actors and had me rolling in the aisle.  Not sure what movie I'm talking about?  Well, I'll tell you.  Hold on to your butts, because the following movie being reviewed will have you so full of testosterone that if your balls have already dropped they're about to drop again.  This is the movie where everyone is a manly man, even the women.  Gentlemen and men, I give you: The Expendables 2.

A manly movie about men doing manly things.

 If you noticed the #2 in the title, yes this is the second Expendables movie.  This is the sequel to the 2010 movie that was directed by Silvester Stallone and starred most of the same cast.  But don't worry if you haven't seen the first one.  No, really.  It has no baring what so fracking ever on this movie.  It has almost as much testosterone as this one...almost.  I say almost because as many action heroes they had in the first one they got  more for this one.  The first one stared Silvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, and Terry Crews as the Expendables.  Stone Cold Steve Austin appears as one of the villains.  Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis both cameo in it too.  Almost EVERY action star in the last 30 years appeared in this most manly of manly movies.  They upped that in the second one by adding Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck freaking Norris to the cast.

Chuck Norris once got bitten by a cobra.  After 5 days of agonizing pain the cobra finally died.

The caption...he said it in the movie.  I'm not kidding.  He effing said it.  Not only that, but he took out an entire platoon and a tank - a f*&king tank!! - by himself.  By himself.  It was awesome!!!  And that's basically what this movie is in a nutshell - Awesome.  Now that's not to say it was good.  This movie was absolute and udder crap.  You may have noticed I haven't written anything about the story to this movie.  And it's because there isn't one.  There's a paper-thin plot about sneaking into Albania to get a computer out of a crashed plane.  And then they need to get it back from Van Damme after he steals it from them.  But trust me, this movie is crap.  You walk into the theater, sit in a seat, and check out.  Just shut off your phone and your brain and that's it.  No thought is required, needed, or wanted, for this movie.  The bad guys in this movie have worse aim then imperial storm troopers.  The main characters are more indestructible than adamantium.  That being said, this movie was so f*&king awesome!!!

I'll be back.      Adriane!!  Yippe ki-yay m-effer.

Final thoughts: this movie was absolute crap.  Please check your brain at the door.  However, a movie doesn't have to be good for it to be mind-blowingly awesome.  This movie was AWESOME!!!  This movie was a manly movie.  Guns, explosions, awesomeness.  That's what this movie was.  Don't go if you're expecting anything else.  For those of you who need an escape for a little under 2 hours, this is it.  It's funny.  It's awesome.  And it's manly.