This just arrived in the mail

So, Film Crazy Adam ordered something in the mail almost 2 months ago...and it just arrived yesterday.  Let's see what he got.

You're going to LOVE ME!!!!!

The BIG Review

Hey guys, Film Crazy Adam here!  After doing much research and watching literally days (if not weeks) worth of cartoons, tracking down footage, and editing at all hours of the day; the BIG Review is now complete.  Here it is in it's entirety.  Enjoy.

 

Pt1: The 3 Ages of American Televised Cartoons

Pt2: A Comparative Look at the 4 Gens of MLP

Pt3: I Heard That Show Sucks, ft: Friendship is Magic

It's taken a LONG time to get this done.  After all this work I'm going to get back to my regular reviews.  Also, more written reviews on the way.  I'm behind on those because I haven't done ANYTHING in the last month because I hunkered down to finish this review.

Jack The Giant Slayer - Written Review

FINALLY!!!  I bitch about how much Hollywood screws up movies based on classic stories like Snow White and Hansel & Gretel.  That writers, producers, and directors are WAY too liberal with creative license and they end up making a movie (in most cases, a steaming pile of crap) that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the story it was based on.  They finally did it right!!  Ladies and gentlemen Bryan Singer has done the impossible and didn't f*ck up the story of Jack & the Beanstalk with, Jack The Giant Slayer.

Not to be confused with Jack the Ripper.

I can't get over this.  They did it.  They finally did it!  This is how you make and adaptation, people!  You don't bastardize the story the movie is based on.  You don't reorganize or kill off characters that aren't killed off in the original story - especially if they're killed off for no reason.  You don't drop or rewrite key elements of the story.  You don't rewrite key phrases that that story is known for.  You just DON'T.  Everything else is more or less up for tweaking.  Did this story have a guy named Jack?  Yes.  Did it have a beanstalk?  Yes.  Giants?  Hells yes.  Did Jack end up killing any giants?  Spoiler: (if the title wasn't a give away) Yes!

Yay, for fanservice!

So far I've just been talking about the fact they did a good job with the adaptation.  Onto talking about the movie.  It's not easy turning a kids movie into an action fantasy aimed at adults.  I have to admit that I was a bit on my guard going into this movie because it was pushed back 9 months.  It was originally supposed to be out in theaters last June, but for some reason got pushed back.  Usually being pushed back is a HUGE red flag for a movie.  I can make a long list of movies that got pushed back and ended up sucking hard when they were finally released.  Pathfinder and Season of the Witch come to mind.  So I was really pleasantly surprised when this one was actually really good.  Byran Singer might not have the strongest movies, but he's never made anything that sucked.

Not sure if giant telekinesis or blowing kiss.

In conclusion, Jack the Giant Slayer was a good movie.  Now, good on what grounds?  For an action fantasy film about giants who leave in a land among the clouds who try to take over the world and are stopped by a farm boy, a princess, and a knight it was freakin great!  This is a much more serious and action-filled story then the one you read as a kid.  Was it a good movie?  Yes, yes it was.  Was it a serious movie?  For the most part.  How serious was the movie?  I answer with a question: how serious are you expecting a movie about giants to be?  Is it worth my time?  If you're looking for a feel good movie where the underdog wins and comes out on top in the end, then this is your movie.  This is a fairytale, plain and simple.  It's a well adapted, well written, well acted, well directed movie.

Film Crazy Adam highly recommends and approves this movie.

Die Hard 5 - Written Review

Question: when do action movies get released?  Answer: during the summer blockbuster season and sometimes around Christmas.  Question: if an action movie gets released during the "movie down season" (the time frame between New Years and late March/early April where Hollywood releases movies they know aren't so hot but they have to put them in theaters to try and recoup the money they put into them) should you be a little suspicious or worried about it?  Answer: yes.  That big red flag went up for me when I went into the theater to see this movie.  Was it justified to be a bit worried about the newest installation to the Die Hard franchise, A Good Day to Die Hard?

Oddly, this title is hard to remember.  It's gotta be the wording.

How the hell did they screw this movie up?  It's a Die Hard movie.  You'd think it's hard to F that up.  I thought it was.  You want to know the biggest problem of this movie?  It was a comedy script trying to be a serious action movie.  Half the lines of dialogue are meant to be jokes.  In the other Die Hards there is an air of seriousness.  There are terrorist that are hell bent on a mission and they don't care who they kill getting what they want.  But Film Crazy Adam, that's what happened in this movie.  Yes, with all the seriousness of a Rush Hour movie.  Die Hard isn't a comedy.  There are a few ha-ha moments, but it's not a comedy.  Again, not saying that this movie was a comedy, but it felt like it was trying to be one.  The writer was trying too hard to be clever and funny with the dialogue.  That being said, it was satisfying on some level being the only person in the theater to get the joke about Newark.

This is why you shouldn't play Van Halen's Eruption with the volume on 11.

Also, the character of John McClain is nothing like how he's ever been played before.  In every other Die Hard John McClain (played by Bruce Willis) is just doing his own thing.  Either he's on vacation minding his own business or he's working.  And in all of those other movies he starts to lose it.  To be fair, wouldn't you if you were put in any of the situations of any of the Die Hard movies?  He's constantly on the run for his life and he doesn't know what's going on.  Bottom line, he's never in control.  This entire movie was weird, BECAUSE John McClain WAS in control the whole time.  It was so weird to see John one or two steps ahead of the game all through this movie.  He constantly knew what was going and even seemed bored with the way things played out, like - "Heh, knew that was going to happy.  And it did."  It was like John McClain read the script.  There wasn't a situation that held dramatic tension because John McClain acted so bored and jaded with everything that was happening around him.  And what's the deal with him just casually beating people up to steal and destroying vehicle after vehicle in this movie?

What're you doin?  That's not how it's done.

In conclusion, Die Hard 5 was a let down.  It's hard to get anxious over a scene when the main character is in a life or death situation and the main character is acting like "yeah, whatever."  Die Hard 5 didn't know what it was doing in terms of what feel it was going for.  The acting was eh, the directing was a bit below eh, and the script was too simple and generic.  Like all Die Hards there was a vehicle chase scene.  This one probably cost about 70% of the budget.  And the chase scene was ridiculously over the top, even for an action movie comedy.  I was thinking of making this a video review, but in the end this movie wasn't worth busting out a camera.  In the end, was it a good action movie.  Sure.  Was it a good Die Hard movie?  I'd have to say no.  Was it a good movie?  It was entertaining and, so, wasn't a complete waste of time.

Film Crazy Adam doesn't really recommend this one.  Not when I can just recommend Die Hard 1, 2, & 3.  4 was eh.  Yippee ki yay mother bleeper!

Best/Worst of Movies of 2012

Yeah it's kind of late.  These lists should've been out a month ago.  2012 was a rough year for a LOT of different reasons.  One of those reasons was the movies.  There were a lot of eh movies, a few ok ones, even fewer really good ones, and a lot of lame or bad ones.  But enough typing, I'll let the lists doing their own talking.  Here's my Top 11 Best of and Worst of Movies of 2012.

Warm Bodies - Written Review

Zombies.  They're the focus of comics, books, TV shows, video games, and even movies.  The first movie that was technically a zombie film was called White Zombie from 1932.  But zombies as they've been popularized as decrepit reanimated brain-craving ravenous corpses until George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead from 1968.  Since then there have been hundreds of zombie movies.  Zombies became really huge in media and pop culture in the last 10 years, when the majority of the zombie movies were made.  The problem with anything that there are hundreds of is they all kind of blend together...unless you do something that seriously sets yourself away from the crowd.  So they made a zombie love story.  I guess...?  Warm Bodies.

All we want to do is eat your brains.

Now let me be the first to say I was confused all the way through this movie.  I even contemplated just walking out (like a zombie) a couple times just because it's so far off base from any kind of zombie lore.  The main character, a zombie named R played by Nicholas Hoult.  Right off the bat my first question was, WTF?!  Because this guy is thinking.  Why is he thinking?  He's a zombie!  Zombies don't think, they're mindless!  But I figured I was watching a comedy like Zombieland, so I didn't let it bother me...until it became obvious that it wasn't a comedy.  Yeah there were some fun lines or lines that were trying to be funny, but it wasn't a funny movie.  It wasn't a comedy.  So if it's not a comedy and he's supposed to be a real zombie then how does he have an internal monologue?  How is he able to speak words out loud?  Why is he breathing?  Why does he collect things?  Why does he have an "apartment" in an old airliner?  And above all, why is he so dectrous with his hands??  He operates a record player by hand.  That requires finesse by someone who already knows what they're doing.  How the hell is this zombie doing it?  And how is he able to appreciate music?  He's a zombie!!

Zombie movie in a zombie movie.

I don't know if the writer even knew what a zombie was when he was writing this.  But aside from a severe lack of understanding of the source material and getting past the fact that some how this zombie is thinking and has an internal monologue and has feelings and knows how to speak this movie was very mediocre.  The acting, except from Nicholas, was eh.  The directing was eh.  The story was eh.  It seriously isn't something new, other than the zombie aspect.  But even that's not new.  Necrophilia anyone?  You could find plenty of stories about that if you looked online.  This love story is actually kind of creepy when you take that into account.  The girl is crushing on a dead guy.  How is that supposed to work??

That's not how you do Thriller.

In conclusion, this movie was confusing and stupid.  This movie was so unfocused.  The first 10 mins were a comedy, then it goes to troubled daughter fighting for the human race, then we basically watch 4 or 5 music videos (what else do you call it when you listen to entire songs set to video), then drama with the zombie family, then awkward teen drama show, then battle action scene where good guys win.  I felt like I was watching something that was written by a second grader.  Was it a good zombie movie?  NO!  Was it a good romance?  Mediocre at best.  Was it a good movie?  No.  In the end I have no idea what they were going for with this movie.  It pisses me off that they marketed it as a comedy when it's not.  Bait and switches are retarded.

Film Crazy Adam does not recommend this movie.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters - Written Review

I am slowly coming to a conclusion about certain stories here.  You can argue that almost every story that could be told has been told in movie or TV form.  So what Hollywood has been doing is taking old stories and giving them a new twist.  Usually a more action packed twist.  They should just stop doing this.  And never do it again.  Because they can't seem to get it right.  I think I'm a fair guy when it comes to giving a new idea a chance.  I go into every movie with an open mind and the hope that what I'm seeing is gonna be good.  Unfortunately it falls about 40/60 good to bad.  Usually the idea, whatever it is doesn't work onscreen.  And so was the case with Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

Much better than Snow White.

H&G is actually a movie sequel to the classic fairytale story.  Years after they killed the witch when they were children, Hansel and Gretel have grown up to become professional witch hunters in an action/fantasy feature.  Really, it's not a bad concept.  Much better than that stupid Snow White and the Huntsman.  They didn't change the classic story, they just added onto it and made it into an action movie where H&G hunt witches.  And it could've been good, if they hadn't made some stupid mistakes.  First, their speech.  Now I'm not expecting ye olde speak, even though the time frame is 1400-1500.  But the usage of the f word, the way it was used, usage of slang terms, speech patterns, the vocab they were using, even the cadence and the way they spoke was so present day.  I didn't feel that these were fairy tale characters.  Instead I felt like these were two people I'd bump into on the subway.  It felt so weird and out of place.  And every character was like that.  They didn't feel like they were from or were in a Grimm's fairytale.

We haz guns.  Lots of guns.  Most of which aren't realistic.

So the characters felt out of place for this movie.  Second, the plot holes.  I know it's a fool's errand to be bringing up plot holes in an action/fantasy movie.  But even so, there was 1 big thing that didn't make sense.  Despite being professional witch hunters for the last 20-30 years, there were A LOT of things that they didn't know about witches or hunting witches.  Stupid obvious stuff that you'd think they would've just picked up and learned during the course of 2+ decades killing witches.  We, the audience, were learning things about witch hunting as the "professionals" were learning them.  Also, they were just sloppy for witch hunters.  Again, you'd think it would be hard for a witch to get the drop on them after they've been hunting them for more than a quarter century.  But that's as far as I go with the plot holes.  Everything else I rolled with.  The weapons, the physics, everything else was fine with me, primarily because of the type of movie I was watching - action/fantasy.

There is never anything good inside an anus, no matter what color it is.

In conclusion, there's a reason why this movie came out in January.  January-March is the time of year they put out movies that they're not expecting to do that well.  And H&G isn't so great.  While it's not a terrible movie, it leaves you feeling disappointed because you felt that this movie could've been good.  It could've been.  But they dropped the ball on this one.  They were trying to make the main characters way too cool.  Instead they came off as being jerkish and full of themselves often times.  You didn't really like them because of that.  Which is a huge screw up.  You never want the audience to dislike your main heroes, especially when they're the good guys.  Did I dislike it?  A little.  Did I feel like I wasted my time?  No, I was still entertained.  I just wish they'd done a number of things differently.  I am more disappointed because of wasted potential than anything else.  I was expecting something like Van Hellsing mixed with the TV show Supernatural, which if they had done that this movie would've been so much better.

Film Crazy Adam neither approves nor disapproves of this movie.  He also neither recommends nor discourages the watching of this movie.  Film Crazy Adam isn't angry.  Film Crazy Adam is disappointed.